He might be a father but he sure ain’t a Dad.
I just moved into a new place with no internet so I haven’t really had the opportunity to explain why dads love Harrison Ford and the Kentucky Derby and shit like that.
But on Wednesday I embark on a West Coast journey with my brother, father, and grandfather. My dad already gave me a detailed summary of our itinerary. This is what we call a gold mine. It should be fun and pretty excited to see if my dad buys a Grand Canyon t-shirt or khaki hat.
Oh yeah and it’s Father’s Day how bout that? Go watch golf with your dad on the HDTV and ask him about Jack Nicklaus. Much love to my father whose the coolest dad I know.
9. Agreeing with things in theory
God, family, and country. These are the three most important things in the world to any dad no matter his race, class, or creed (unless his creed involves not believing in God, but from what I understand God is still a pretty important figure in your life when you have to proclaim the fact that you don’t believe he exists). Of course dads love their families, and their love for this country is unconditional as well. They will always express disenchantment with the state of politics across the board, whether it’s foreign or domestic policy, politicians, or the bureaucratic structures, because dads hate the government. They think it’s too big, it wastes their hard-earned tax dollars, and it doesn’t accomplish anything—this statement is true regardless of political affiliation. However, dads are behind everything this country stands for. The founding fathers were a group of men who fought long and hard in pursuit of what they knew was right and after winning the Revolutionary War they created the greatest document in the history of civilization with the Constitution. Its ideals and its base structures: democracy, capitalism, and (as some will argue) Christianity are the most perfect ideologies in existence. Over the years, several conceptions of alternative governments and other political structures have been implemented that all dads will agree are great concepts…but only in theory.
The purpose of any political theory or philosophy comes down to the pursuit of creating a system of government that works best for everyone. We see this in different ideas for forms of government or government programs and dads can always see the ideals that are behind this, they always understand why people get behind an idea. But the fact of the matter is, none of them work in application.
In America, the 20th century saw the introduction of unions and Social Security. When enacted, both of these concepts seemed like necessary entities for this country have. However, after years of social evolution, both of them have grown into problematic entities that have stagnated due to bureaucratic nonsense. Unions have gained far too many rights and the abuse of the power granted to union thugs have allowed them to practically steal from our pockets. Teachers, construction workers, they’re all getting away with murder under the protection of the union. Meanwhile, our Social Security system is bankrupt despite the fact that money is taken out of Dad’s weekly paycheck to fund this program. The government is taking the money Dad made by working his ass off! Now, all dads understand why these two things are in existence: workers need to have their rights protected and people need to be cared for when they can no longer work. No one is throwing a fuss about that. The point is, these systems have gone too far and they have obviously failed in application.
There is one that stands alone, however, as the key idea that all dads agree with in theory: communism. But before we can understand why Dad feels the way he does about communism, we need to first understand history from Dad’s perspective. The Cold War brought constant fear to this nation when today’s dads were kids. When your dad was going to school, it was in the era of bomb drills and the Bay of Pigs. Dads constantly lived in fear of a third World War and the outcome of a loss would be the end of the American Dream—everything that this country stood for was being threatened. The Cold War shaped the way dads feel today about politics and foreign relations. The two most important presidents in a dads lifetime are Kennedy and Reagan. This is solely because of the way these two dealt with the commies. Dad may not agree with one of the two on how they handled social domestic policies, but those two stood up to the bad guys and made sure that the American Dream was preserved and that’s what matters most.
This system of government that other people were living by essentially terrorized your dad’s youth. But he will be the first to tell you that it’s a beautiful concept. “Everyone’s equal, we’re all on the same level, how could you not agree with it?” But insert that human factor and the whole idea falls apart. “What’s my motivation to work? Why should I work any harder than the guy next to me or the guy working at McDonald’s if we’re making the same amount of money?” That’s it, end of story.
You see, American capitalism is a divinely ordained privilege that we should always consider ourselves lucky to take part in. It’s the perfect mixture of government and economy that has allowed us to rise to the position of being the greatest nation-state in the history of civilization [we still occupy this position, in case you’ve had your doubts since the election of Barack Hussein Obama] and any question of this divinity is met with a “love it or leave it” response from the nation’s dads. All of the problems our country faces are the fault of people, not the setup. Greedy boardroom chairs have created the corporate take over that Dad’s complaining about, not the fact that Walmart, for example, is a display of capitalism at its finest. These same greedy boardroom chairs also have more political influence than the politicians themselves, but it’s the politicians’ fault for conceding this fact and doing whatever they can to get elected by pandering to the people with the money. But rest assured, when it all comes down to it, we have the same standing when it comes to democracy because we each get one vote, so that means we’re all on an equal playing field no matter how much money you have. And the setup insures that the interests of the few never outweigh the interest of the many because the greatest thing about America is that we have a system of checks and balances in which a government elected for and by the people keeps everything in tact and we all know that the government could never do us wrong.
Every application of communism has shown the simple fact that the system doesn’t work, but ours does—just look around, everything’s operating smoothly, right? This country ain’t perfect, and Dad will be the first to tell you that. He’ll also tell you that he cherishes the right to say that. The United States is like any other country in that it’s susceptible to social problems, but as citizens we have the right to speak our minds on how these problems should be handled. Even when things don’t change and all the politicians are all lying sacks a shit, we can always change things and that’s why America is the greatest country in the world. Ever. Dads will forever stand by the ideals that this country was established upon and while other people may have some ideas, they only work in theory.
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8. Getting away from their family
Everyone is on Dad’s back! His idiot boss, the government, bill collectors. He does the best he can to do what’s best for his family and he’s consistently getting shit on by the man and you know what, sometimes he just needs to get away from everything, including his family.
The need for solace runs on a wide spectrum for dads based on their overall satisfaction with life. Every married dad, no matter how happy or unhappy, is going out of his way to be away from his family at some point. When a dad is satisfied, he doesn’t need to make much of an effort, but when a dad is unhappily married, there are some pretty bizarre extremes he’ll go to just “get a moment to think for a change.”
The bathroom is probably the most common place we find dads taking some time to themselves. As men get older, the bathroom transforms from being “just a bathroom” into the only place in the world that you have to yourself. Dads love staying in the bathroom for twenty minutes at a time. They thrive on the ability to go in there and read a magazine and know that they won’t be bothered until dinner is ready. If you notice your Dad taking a ridiculous amount of time when he’s in the bathroom right after he gets home from work, try not to bother him because it’s one of the most important times of his day.
Taking a long time in the bathroom is a pretty healthy habit for a dad. It generally signifies that Dad is pretty satisfied with life; he just needs some time to decompress after work and before dinner. He wants to have a nice dinner and those twenty minutes are his prep time. But when dads go to more extreme measures to get away, there may be a problem.
Sometimes dads need to get out there for some guy time, especially if their house is filled with women [my friend Matt Nusko told me that his dad describes the house as “estrogen hell”]. Dads who are under these circumstances usually find some time to devote to “the guys.” Guy time is always scheduled for one night a week, as dads live on a strict schedule and the wife probably wouldn’t allow for more than one night. These nights are always devoted to manly activities like Monday Night Football or poker. No matter what the activity, domestic beer is involved. These activities are generally harmless vices that serve a necessary niche in keeping Dad’s sanity.
When things are really rough, a dad may find himself doing crazy things like going to Buffalo Wild Wings by himself on a Friday night. This type of behavior usually comes from younger dads (mid to late 30s) who are only beginning to realize that after having two daughters that they’re stuck with a job they hate and that their wife has probably established complete control of their lives. These dads had some good times in college and were very much in love when they got married, but after turning thirty, shit just went south and here they are, stuck in estrogen hell with no friends and working a job that they absolutely hate and will probably be working til they retire. As time goes by shit gets more mechanical and his wife gets more controlling (there is a good chance that he can’t watch R-rated movies anymore). The last cry of independence this guy had was buying a Scion xB and the only way he pulled that off was by convincing his wife that it was spacious enough for the family, got good gas mileage, and wasn’t too flashy. The only thing that he has (he still loves his family, no one is denying that) is going out by himself on a Friday night, drinking a Coors Light, and getting a plate of wings while watching the Duke vs. North Carolina game [dads love classic sports rivalries]. It’s the closest thing the guy has to the way things used to be, he’s trying to be young again because he has absolutely no idea what to do with these Dad-feelings. No friends because the only interactions he has with other males outside of work is with his wife’s friends’ husbands and those guys don’t talk about feelings, they talk about Dad stuff [see: 2. Barbeques]. So Buffalo Wild Wings is the best solution he can come up with. It’s a sad reality—the beginning of a mid-life crisis and this dad will have to do what every dad over the age of 45 had to do: deal with it. Man up. Soon he’ll be settling into later adulthood and he’ll be able to look back on that point in his life and speak vaguely of it to others. “I was going through some tough times.” Dads love vaguely talking about their feelings.
Of course not every dad’s life is a mundane shit sandwich, as I recently explained to my father, it just has some inescapable realities. Certain inevitable truths come with having a family and the best thing a man can do is tuck in his shirt and focus on the things that make him feel young. Other times, Dad just needs to stay in the bathroom for twenty minutes and collect his thoughts.
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7. Finishing The Basement
The analysis of dads very quickly yields several mundane facts about their existence. One of these is the sad reality that shit never ends. When you’re in school, breaks are consistently there for you to look forward to and to break up the passing of time into shorter sections. Weekends, Christmas vacation, spring break, summer vacation. Dads don’t get weekends to themselves, spring break is nonexistent. Summer vacation is usually reduced to a week and they have to spend that week making sure that the kids are entertained and Christmas is equally stressful. Dads don’t get much time to themselves and they don’t have breaks which is why time moves at such a fast, dull pace and there are no markers set up to acknowledge this passing. “Where did the years go?” a dad will ask his dad friend at a barbeque. The years fly by because of their monotony. In order to cope with these sad facts, dads will take up projects in order to feel like they have something to look forward to. Projects may come in the form of fixing up an old car or building the kids a tree house, but the biggest and most important project is when dads get their basement finished.
Owning a home is every husband’s dream and it’s everything he is working to achieve when he gets married. And after a home is purchased and at least somewhat furnished, Dad is dreaming of finishing the basement. The basement has mystic power over dads and they, for several reasons, feel that an unfinished basement is a golden opportunity. The room provides a solace for the kids and for the adults. Both are given space within a finished basement as a place to get away from the other. Also, one of the most important draws to finishing the basement is that it increases the value of the home. It doesn’t matter if the family is planning to move out in five years or if Dad intends to die in that house, he is always looking to increase its value.
The planning of the finished basement is half the fun. It gives dads an excuse to look at home entertainment systems, which is a favorite pastime for dads. HD TVs, surround sound systems, projectors, anything is possible in a finished basement. Even more important within the basement is the bar. Any good dad basement also serves as a shrine to alcohol. There is always a bar and this bar is always stocked with massive amounts of expensive liquor and, if the wife allows it, maybe a neon sign or two. Having a well-stocked bar and a killer home theater in a finished basement is a major social achievement for dads. Nothing impresses the neighbors like an awesome basement.
Many dads will work at finishing their own basement. If he has the ability, a dad will absolutely take it to himself to do this job because there are several benefits to completing this project without professional help. It serves a statement of pride. Whenever someone makes a comment about how cool the basement is, a dad will relish in the ability to say he did it himself. When he does the job, he doesn’t have to pay someone else to do it meaning he can put the money he saved into a better TV or a pool table. Also, having such a big project allows dad to either get away from the family, or to teach his son(s) how to become real men [ever see Home Improvement?]. Of course, not every dad will be able to do this job himself. If this is the case, massive amounts of effort will be spent to find the right guy because, as we already know, being able to say that you’ve “got a guy” is another important thing a dad needs to take pride in.
For dads, having a cool finished basement is kind of like having an awesome toy collection when you’re a child. The biggest enjoyment that comes from these things is just the fact that you have them and you can show them off. Dads love going down to the basement and reminding themselves that they got that Budweiser sign and a flatscreen TV. They love showing it to the guys and they love having the place other dads want to come to. In reality, Dad gets bored with the basement itself very quickly. After the excitement wears off, he ends up just sitting in that beat up old chair and watching TV in the den the way he did before the basement was finished. The basement is reserved for company, its when all the stops are pulled that the finished basement is the place to be because dads are always looking to impress other dads.
Dads live monotonous lives. There isn’t much to get excited about in the 9-5 world and a dad needs to find a way to keep themselves from being overcome by certain sad realities and finishing the basement is just the ticket. It’s an exciting project to undertake and in the end, it has the ability to make Dad feel cool and we all know that feeling cool is something everyone likes.
6. Decaf
One of the first moments a child knows he or she is starting to grow up is when a taste for coffee develops. Coffee is one of those things you think is gross when you’re 8 years old, but your Dad will tell you, “you’ll like it when you’re older.” And by the time you’re 14 or 15 that taste develops and the enjoyment of coffee becomes a right of passage. Soon you discover cigarettes and the fact that diners are the most beautiful place in the world because you can enjoy both of them at the same time, in public with your friends, for as long as you want (or, sadly, at least you could back in the days before secondhand smoke became a health hazard [dads don’t believe in the public smoking ban, businesses have the right to choose]). After coffee becomes something that young people enjoy it turns into a necessary habit as it has several perks involving ones ability to function and eventually it becomes a part of your daily routine. At this point, you fall in love with coffee. You love the way you take it, you love going out for it, making it, enjoying it in the morning, the afternoon, and late into the night. But when you become a dad, the ability to enjoy coffee gets thwarted by the fact that you’re an old man. You may get heartburn or the shits or you may be unable to handle the jitters and crash that comes from a strong cup o joe which is why dads love decaf coffee.
Every adult has coffee in their house, even if they don’t like it. The beverage is such an important part of adult life that it must be on hand at all times, even if it’s just for guests. People love it that much. But people also know their limitations. Drinking coffee late in the afternoon or early evening can ruin a night of sleep and dads need sleep more than you really know, especially on a night when they don’t have to work the next day. So when some of the extended family comes over for Thanksgiving there is definitely some coffee getting brewed because the after-a-big-meal cup of coffee is absolutely necessary at this point, it’s ingrained into the dad psyche just like the Sunday-morning-hangover cup of coffee became ingrained into Dad’s psyche when he went to college [dads love telling their kids vague stories about their wild college days]. After dinner, it’s coffee time for dads and any good host will have decaf on hand for this specific purpose. Regular or decaf?
While drinking coffee when you’re young is a right of passage into pseudo-adulthood, drinking decaf when you’re older is a right of passage into pseudo-old age. It’s an adaptation that dads must make in admission that they’re not young like they were. This isn’t middle age in the way that they can’t go out and make stupid decisions and live fast or any of that, this is the fact that dads are aging. Their bodies are tired and their equilibrium is easily thrown off, they need to take care of themselves or they’ll get an ulcer or something. Their bodies hate them and they have to accept and adapt to that fact if they want to live to see their sons become dads. But dads can an still do a lot of the things they love to do and they love drinking coffee, but sometimes it’s just gotta be decaf.
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5. Hating The French
Having prejudices is starting to be come less and less cool for dads today. With the progress of race relations over the past 50 years, overt prejudices are on the out and the slow acceptance of black people is in (dads love Will Smith, he’s got just enough black sass but he’s not too black). Some grandpas are still a little vocal about their racism, but they’re definitely a product of their times, Dads are about progress and letting everyone know that they have no problem with a person with whether he’s “black, yellow, red, or purple” [a great Dad quote, it’s sort of beautiful how a dad can make a distinct acknowledgment of the years of persecution of three groups of people and follow with something that wreaks of “hey man, I’m cool I don’t see color!” Purple people. Silly, Dad]. However, there is not a dad in this country that does not hate the French.
While France and the United States have been allies since before this country was a country, all dads will tell you that French people are rude and unappreciative of everything that America has done for them. When French people come to visit our country they don’t even try to act like they want to be here or even make an effort to assimilate a little bit. They are the worst type of tourist because they expect everyone to wait on their every beck and call. They’re rude to waiters and to people on the street which is two of the worst types of rude you can be.
Dads will tell you that the rudeness of the French is absolutely unacceptable because it really shows their lack of appreciation for world history. “Well, let’s see, we saved your guys’ asses in both World Wars and this is how you repay us?” America has done nothing but help the French and they just don’t want to be our friends because they think they’re better than us. And no one is better than us, so the French face the scorn of dads nation-wide because dads love the United States of America more than anything other than their family, sometimes more.
You spite America, you spite its dads and it doesn’t matter how hard a dad will try to hide his prejudices, he fucking hates the French.
—P.S. [or the literary equivalent to an add-on, similar to an Epilogue, but different] The French are pussies. They needed the Americans to “save their asses in both World Wars” because they are pussies who can’t fight for themselves. Caricatures of French men will usually have them portrayed very similarly to the sissy gay male. He’ll be wearing a beret, eating a baguette, sitting outside of a cafe, and talking in that very gay, exotic French accent [don’t mention the influence French has on the English language]. They’re such unappreciative pussies, that when they chose not to support the US in their War on Terror, a whole wave of anti-French sentiment was sent across the nation of dads. The best thing Dad could do to combat the French and their rude, unappreciative, and slightly gay behavior was to counteract that negative energy with some good old fashioned patriotism. French Fries became Freedom Fries and we showed those motherfuckers whose number 1.
4. Leaving Early
When you’re a dad, your entire life is organized into a schedule. Not only is there the obvious five day 9-5 work week, but there’s the 5:10 bus which takes you to the 5:45 train that gets you back to the suburbs in time for dinner at 6:30 and relaxing in your favorite chair by 7 just in time for the opening segment of “How I Met Your Mother” commences your two hours of TV time before bed. Scheduling transcends days and moves to weeks, months, and years. Your entire life is scheduled and time only serves as a symbolic representation of the stations in life you’re set to pass. Mid-life crisis by the time you’re 40. Kids in college by the time you’re 50. Retirement by 65. Your life is a schedule and in an effort to make sure that schedule runs smoothly, dads are always leaving early.
A threat to the schedule is a direct threat to a dad’s personal well-being and threats can take several different forms—the most unpredictable and frustrating of these is traffic. Dads are always conscientious of traffic and when taking any sort of trip that involves an interstate, the possibility of traffic is always figured into the departure time (I personally guarantee to you that the concept of the Traffic Report was thought up by a dad).
A classic example of a dad’s tendency to leave early can be seen when he takes the family to a baseball game. Much like vacation [see: entry #3 “Driving”] the family is assuredly leaving early for the ball game because of the many inconveniences which are likely to rear their ugly heads on the trip to the ball park. The highway. City traffic. Looking for parking that is both reasonably priced and within a short walking distance (dads will take up to twenty minutes finding parking if they have to). Some of these obstacles can not be fully prepared for, so as a precaution Dad allots a significant amount of time for each of them. If all is well, the family is through the gates and in their seats at least half an hour before the first pitch.
However, the saga doesn’t end with the family being happily seated and ready to watch the game, in fact, its only just begun. These same factors that caused Dad to leave early in an effort to arrive early, are also going to make Dad want to leave the game early. It’s a bitch getting out of the park because people don’t know how to get out of the stadium in an orderly fashion. And forget getting out of the parking lot and back home without avoiding traffic because it’s a well established fact that no one knows how to drive. So come the 6th inning, Dad is already thinking about getting out of there. If the score is close, there is no way Dad’s getting the kids to get up and go, but if there isn’t much of a game, the family is out of there at the 7th inning stretch. It doesn’t matter how much money was shelled out for those tickets (Dad probably has a guy though, so the tickets were a bargain) Dad just wants to be home.
While dads may feel threatened by the possibility of being stuck in traffic, they feel even more threatened by the idea of being late to anything. This fear isn’t necessarily resulting from their needs to be set on a schedule as much as it comes from the possibility of being embarrassed in front of other dads. Few things are as embarrassing for a dad as being late and dads will stop at nothing to avoid having to face this humiliation. The reason Dad is getting his son up and out the door half an hour before soccer practice starts can be fully attributed to avoiding being embarrassed in front of the coaches. He’s willing to wait in the car for fifteen minutes, anything to avoid being late. Across the board, one of the key motivational tools for a dad is avoiding embarrassment in front of other dads.
“The early bird gets the worm” as they say and dads thrive on getting worms. Early to get there, early to leave, always early. So try not to get too annoyed when Dad is making you leave at 6 am for your 9:45 flight, he’s got a lot on his mind.
3. Driving
Don’t matter where you’re going or how long it’s gonna take. Just rest assured, Dad is driving.
For dads, there are several activities which are off limits for the wife. Manly duties, things that display not only testosterone, but the obvious statement of control. Dads take care of the grilling, they clean the gutters, and they are always driving. Rain or shine, no matter the destination, and even if the family is taking Mom’s van, Dad is behind the wheel because when the family is in motion, Dad has to be in control.
The need for dads to be in control is entirely instinctual: Dad needs to protect the family. That road is a dangerous place, there are a lot of bad drivers out there and Dads love to tell their kids about bad drivers. “Oh, she’s on her cell phone” he might say as he passes someone on the right [the road is one of the few places where you’ll see dads display overt prejudices. Racism is a tricky thing for dads. Some may be more vocal about prejudices than others but all dads are united in the fact that they aren’t racist. However, on the road, you’ll find that dads are much more likely to point out stereotypes regarding minorities and driving. He’s not being racist when he says “well that explains it” after passing a slow moving Asian driver. He’s just telling it like it is.] All dads are well-versed in the rules of highway driving and when people around him are not, it can be threatening and infuriating and there is no way the wife is capable of handling these problematic drivers. Dad needs to be in control when handling dickheads, while they find these people to be very annoying, they also thrive on the ability to pass other drivers and shake their heads at them.
One of the prime examples of a dad’s love for driving can be found on the summer vacation,one of the most important pastimes for dads. Part of the appeal for Dad to take the family on vacation to Orlando is to make that 13 hour drive. Dads never fly on summer vacation because it removes half of the fun. While preparing for vacation Dad will spend most of his time on the actual planning of the route, not on packing or reserving any accommodations (though Dad will go to the greatest of lengths to make sure the accommodations have some kind of deal attached whether its Triple A at a motel or if they got a deal from “a guy”…dads love having “a guy” whether its someone whose got a time share or someone who gets cheap Bears tickets, having “a guy” is a very important part of being a dad [credit: Pat Klazca]).
But the trip planning is key. They get out the old Rand McNally atlas and plan their trip very carefully, testing out several alternatives, to ensure that they pick the most time-efficient route [the verdict is still out on conveniences such as Google and MapQuest and GPS. Many dads still view these things cautiously as they represent a break from the way things used to be. Some have accepted these technologies, but some prefer the old fashioned way] because dads are always focused on making good time. One of the most important factors to the vacation drive is that the family arrives at an acceptable hour in order to relax, unpack, and still be able to go out for dinner on their day of arrival. Because of this need dads will likely plan for the family to leave for vacation anywhere from 11 pm - 3 am. It’s just how it is. So the family is rustled out of bed and brought to the car where everyone will quickly fall asleep while Dad stays steadfast in the drivers seat with his Thermos in hand, not stopping that car til he absolutely has to. And while the kids are sleeping in the back, there is one thing on Dad’s mind: making time. He’s constantly going through the numbers in his head, intent on that 3 pm arrival time.
When you’re a dad, it’s hard to feel like you’re ever in control. You’ve got a family to look out for, an incompetent boss whose making you do a bunch of unnecessary work, and you’ve got to pay taxes because a bunch of lazy people don’t want to work as hard as you. But when you’re behind the wheel of your station wagon, you’ve got it.
2. Barbeques
Anyone who ever said being a dad easy was sorely mistaken. The 40-hour work week is enough to wear even the most idealistic young man down and when the weekend comes, well that’s no party either. As much as a dad would love to spend the day watching college football (many dads will point out that watching college football is more enjoyable than watching the NFL because the players aren’t as cocky and the rules are better—they stop the clock after every first down, for example) he’s usually got grass to cut or gutters to clean. And it’s not like he can just go out and let loose on Saturday night. Gotta find a babysitter and he can’t get too drunk cause he’s gotta drive himself, and oftentimes the babysitter, home and usually he’s ready for bed by midnight anyway. Dads have a lot of life they feel they’re missing out on, which is why barbeques are something dads really look forward to.
When you’re a dad there are few things that let you relax and enjoy yourself like a barbeque. For dads there is nothing more enjoyable than standing around a grill, drinking a Heineken, dad-flirting with moms (“Hey Kathy, staying outta trouble?” “Oh, well, I’m doing my best.” “Aww well that’s no fun!”), and making small talk with the other dads. Dads live for the opportunity to make small talk with other dads. The barbeque gives the perfect forum for dads to talk to other dads about dad topics such as their kids’ abilities as a soccer player, their idiot boss, who does their taxes, reservations on big-government spending, their home theatre systems, and their satisfaction with the purchase of a new mid-size SUV. No matter how long they’re standing around that grill, there is always something to talk about (“You know, Laura just started using boxed mashed potatoes instead of the real kind, I swear, I can’t even tell the difference.” [Note: This is a direct quote I heard my ex-girlfriend’s father tell my grandfather at my high school graduation party, I’m not making it up.])
What’s more, after the small talk is over, dad’s get to feast on barbeque food. Aside from the standard man food of burgers and ribs and sausages, dads also love potato salad and they really love coleslaw. Most dads didn’t enjoy coleslaw when they were “your age” but they sure as hell love it now.
And the absolute number one factor to the enjoyment dads seek in barbeques is that they are away from their kids. The barbeque is a place where a child needs very little parenting. Once the family arrives to the barbeque the kids are all playing together and the only thing dad has to worry about for the rest of the night is fixing the kids a plate. That’s all. It’s the closest thing to not being a dad as a dad can get.
Barbeques have become such a necessity for a dad’s well-being that it has evolved into many different forms. Firstly, there is the neighborhood barbeque. This one is usually planned about a week in advance, for a nice afternoon and involves neighborhood peers. Another, very similar, type of barbeque is that of the annual office variety. These are always scheduled very far in advance and are more structured, usually with pre-planned activities (such as a softball game, where dads become very competitive, and someone usually pulls a hamstring or there is a collision at home-plate which leaves everyone feeling a little awkward for the rest of the game—if it isn’t just called right there).
Neighborhood and office barbeques have several differences, mainly in that the office barbeque is something dads aren’t looking forward to as much because they have to act professionally. Sure dad can show up in his party polo and wear sunglasses, but he can’t get too drunk and he can’t talk about his boss. The office barbeque is rather constricting and dads tend to leave as soon as they can. The neighborhood barbeque allows dad to cut loose a little, but he’s still gotta worry about not getting to drunk and facing neighborhood gossip. When it comes to it dads usually aren’t allowed to get drunk anywhere other than at home or at weddings.
What is strikingly similar about these types of barbeques is that they both point out the fact that dads don’t really have friends. In both of these barbeque situations, dads spend their time interacting with people they are only bound to by circumstance. They’re stuck hanging out with other neighborhood dads or the dads they work with or the dad that is only there because his wife and your wife are friends. These are the men dads have to interact with which is why small talk is so important.
Now dads do have their buddies from college, or even high school, that they get to see once in a while. Usually the kids refer to this person as their “Uncle” even though he’s not really an uncle. Just an old friend. And dads rarely hang out with their old friends more than a couple times a year (oftentimes these take place at the BIG summer barbeque your dad has every year for friends, neighbors, co-workers, and family). You see, dads love barbeques so much that they go to the extent of organizing a huge barbeque for everyone they know. Or they just wait for the barbeque of all barbeques: the family reunion.
As dads get older they come to find family reunions more important because they involve people that they’ve known for a longer time. While dads are still doing nothing but making small talk when they get to the grill at the family reunion, it’s become more important to see people they’ve known since childhood. It’s a way to feel young again and it’s also important to be reminded of the small things in life.
For dads, the barbeque is an escape, and while they still spend their time talking 
about blu-ray players or lawn mowers, sometimes it’s just nice to chill out in khaki shorts and talk about nothing. And if dad is having a really good time, you’ll know it.
You can judge how good a barbeque was based on what dad’s up to later in the night. You may see dad cut loose a little. Is that a cigar he’s smoking? You bet.
And afterwards dad will usually express to the wife how surprised he was to find out how cool another dad is, or say something like, “God, I forgot how much I like my cousin John. I wish I saw him more often.”
Thus the magic of the barbeque. Where every dad is at home.
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1. Tucking Their Shirts In
Dads are everywhere and they come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, and types. It’s certainly hard to define such a large portion of the population, but you may find that there are certain unifying attributes to dad-dom. Of course there are the few that don’t seem to fit within the stereotypes, but if you take a good look, you might just notice a couple things about most dads. And as you look across the vast landscape of American offices, barbeques, garages, and sidelines you will probably notice that dads across this nation love tucking their shirts in.
Whether dad is wearing his work shirt, the old t-shirt he wears when he’s out with the weed whacker, or just lounging around in that free sweatshirt he received in the mail when he renewed his subscription to Sports Illustrated—rest assured, he’ll be tucking his shirt in.
For the most part dads don’t have many different outfits. There are the business suits, golf clothes, barbeque gear (polo, khaki shorts, and docksider shoes with no socks), and lounge wear which is usually a t-shirt and jeans or a sweatshirt and jeans. However, no matter the outfit, shirts are tucked in across the board.
No one has been able to pin-point what exactly causes the dad-tuck or at what point in history it became a social more, but we’re all certain that it is a necessity. The leading theory is that dad’s spend so much time in situations where the tuck-in is required (work, family gatherings) that dads become dependent on tucking their shirts in. At a certain point, very early in the developing stages of becoming a dad, men will begin to feel awkward in situations where they do not have their shirts tucked in.
What is more confounding about the shirt-tuck is that at a certain point, dads begin to look awkward when their shirts are not tucked in. Have you ever seen a 45 year old man walk into the barbershop without having his t-shirt tucked in? Well, if you found this to be a slightly odd sight to see, you were probably looking at a dad that had not fully developed in this stage. If you didn’t find this man to look awkward without his shirt tucked in, he probably was not a dad. However, when dads do reach that stage in their dad
development, they will always feel obligated to tuck their shirts in.
Of course, like most things that dads like, there are exceptions to the rule, namely occupation. If a dad works a job that doesn’t require his shirt to be tucked in (a construction worker, perhaps) than he is not likely to be bound by the tuck. Usually these dads are easily identifiable, simply by the fact that they look natural in not tucking their shirts in. Also, shirt size is a key determiner in whether dads are in a tuck or no-tuck situation. T-shirts get a tuck. A big-ole-sweater that the wife’s mom bought dad for Christmas: no tuck.
Tucking your shirt in is a way for dads to identify themselves to the rest of the world in a way other than walking around with their kids. It’s a stylish look that, for many, can also help to fit with their shapely beer bellies. Whether dad is getting down to business or just getting down, that shirt is getting tucked in.
